This is one of those that I stumbled across myself as I was doing my own work. It lead to some really powerful insights and some deep inner work too!
I was looking at my relationship with my parents from the viewpoint of a young child. After all, that’s the origin of where so many things first “get stuck” in our lives. I was exploring the things I felt disappointed about from my childhood.
All of a sudden this very powerful phrase came to mind and I did some wonderful tapping around. I used the setup phrase, “Even though they didn’t show me they love me the way I needed them to, I deeply and completely love and except myself.”
Disappointed they didn’t do it the way I needed them to…
The key here is that they didn’t show me in the way that I needed them to show me. It’s not that they didn’t love me. It’s that through the eyes of the child I was way back then, I didn’t recognize that they loved me…base on my pre-teen interpretation of their actions. And that was especially true in those moments of childhood upset, or childhood disappointment for things not going my way. So it’s kind of a viewpoint of, I needed them to do THIS, and they did THAT instead. And that thing they did, wasn’t “love” to me.
(As a parent myself, I’m sure that I “inflicted” some version of that upon my children too. It just comes with being a parent, I’m sure!)
As a more concrete example, from the viewpoint of a young child (who knew that money was not an issue for the family) when I received that Sears five-speed stingray bike for my birthday instead of the 10 speed Schwinn that I really wanted, I took that to mean that I wasn’t “good enough” or I wasn’t “loved enough” to be given the bike that I really wanted, and would have served me well form many years to come. Certainly that was not the message that my parents intended to send to me, but that was how I interpreted it as a preteen.
(Yes, all of my friends did have 10-speeds, and I was the only one who didn’t. I grew up being the odd-man-out in many ways because my parents weren’t willing to invest a little more in things which would have brought me into the social norms of the time. I was even teased about wearing Sears corduroy pants instead of blue jeans in Jr. High.)
There was another “Christmas” incident that probably happened around the same age. Both my (13-years older) sister and I wanted a clock-radio for Christmas. She got the big AM/FM clock radio that was really nice and sounded great, and I got the lousy little AM only clock radio with the little tiny speaker that sounded bad. My interpretation, again through the eyes of a pre-teen with three 10+ year older siblings, was that I wasn’t “good enough” or “loved enough” to receive what I wanted and what would serve me long term. (I never did get an AM/FM clock radio.)
Now the rest of the story, is that…
I was at the age were a little boy goes around searching the house for where the Christmas presents are hidden. I remember finding several boxes wrapped in unprinted paper with names in pencil on them. I’m pretty sure that I found my sister’s clock-radio that day.
The other thing that I found was the Chemistry set that I had really really wanted for Christmas a few years before. It had not been given to me that year, and I never did receive it for Christmas or my Birthday, or anything else. I though for sure that I was going to get it that year for Christmas.
…but I didn’t. And that left me silently wondering if I was being punished for something…something like snooping around looking for Christmas presents. Of course nothing was ever said to me about it. Heck, I even doubt that my parents knew that I’d found it.
But I always wondered, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that means I won’t get what I want? What’s wrong with me that means I can’t have what I want?”
That gut-wrenching question haunted me most of my life.
And in my moments of sadness and disappointment it still comes up…or at least echos of it do. It’s something that I’ve invested lots of time tapping on when I stumble across incidents that have a component related to those feelings.
(Some time I’ll write about the vow that I found that was associated with that painful question. That vow was holding things in place in a major way until I spotted the vow and released it!)
30-40 years after that Christmas, I saw the alcohol lamp that would have been part of that Chemistry set. It was downstairs in the basement workshop of my parents home. I asked my Dad about the Chemistry set. He said that one parent had bought it and the other objected. And then later when it was revisited again, the rolls had switched between who objected and who didn’t, so I never got it! In the end, they finally dismantled the chemistry set (some 20 years after the purchase) when they were considering giving it to one of my nephews and decided that the chemicals “might not be good any more.”
Needless to say those incidents obviously left a mark since I’m still bringing it up. But the insight and understanding I received by looking back on that incident, and spotting, “…the way I needed them to…” was nothing short of amazing.
So if you have something like that in your past I would suggest doing some tapping on, “Even though they didn’t show me they love me the way I needed them to, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway.” Give that a try see if it doesn’t make a difference for you too.
And I’ll let you in on a secret…
This could be applied to anyone who “didn’t love you the way you needed them to.” That means parents, family, friends, spouses, lovers, bosses, coworkers, you name it! I’d be shocked if every person on the planet didn’t have some form of this issue buried in their personal history.
So if you have “a chemistry set” in your history, please leave a comment below, and be sure to LIKE this over on FaceBook and comment there too!
P.S. My former girlfriend gave me “a chemistry set” for Christmas one year. It was made up of various kinds and flavors of Tea. It was nice of her to recognize the pain that incident caused and do her best to help smooth it over. Unfortunately, while I have tapped away much of the pain, the incident will always be a part of my history. I just need to continue to take any residual emotional charge off of it with EFT Tapping. I still feel sad for that little boy and the spirit-crushing blows that came from those incidents. Guess I’ve got some more tapping to do! Even though…
I love this Brad and something I have had to tap on over and over again. It is always nice when we can share our pain and know that we are not alone and also realize as a parent that although we try our best – there are going to be ways that we are not going to show up the way our kids need us to and it helps us have more compassion for ourselves and our parents :).
Very true Cathy Hamilton! Probably the most unnerving aspect is that most of the time, as parents, we have no idea that we are affecting our children in this way. I know that I NEVER said anything about those thoughts as they were going on in my head, back when I was a kid. They were just taken as “fact” through the eyes of someone with limited life experience at the time.
Fortunately, as you well know Cathy, we do now have EFT Tapping to help (us and our kids!) By teaching the whole family how to use EFT Tapping, preferably at a young ages so it’s a natural part of their personal “de-stressing system,” we can prepare our kids for life in a much better way than we were!
We now have access to EFT Tapping. But back when we were kids, it didn’t exist yet! So our kids really are the fortunate ones because this powerful tool can be part of their life-long toolkit.